Extended Response to "On the Rainy River"

Here's the original prompt that we were given in class: 

Respond directly to O'Brien's questions for the reader near the end of the story: "You're at the bow of a boat on the Rainy River. You're twenty years old, you're scared, and there's a hard squeezing pressure in your chest. What would you do?" How would you answer this? What would you do?

Had I been in O'Brien's shoes, I probably would have turned back and headed home, not because of a lack of courage, but because I would not be able to deal with the guilt of having not fought in the war when I had been asked. It certainly wouldn't come from a place of proud nationalism or extreme bravado, rather from the understanding that it would be hard, years later, to see other men who died or fought at my age while I was sitting up somewhere safe and unbothered in Canada. I would feel as if I had cheated life. I also wouldn't see leaving for Canada as an act of courage. Yes, it would take a great amount of 'courage' to do what everyone was told you not to do - but I'm not sure if this would qualify as a courageous act. It's somewhat cowardly, although I can't blame anyone who had the chance to leave. He had every reason to - the only thing stopping him was his conscience. 

Perhaps it's unfair to call him a coward, but that's how I would have felt if I had left, and he might have felt the same after some time. It's complicated - we usually call someone a coward when they back down from a formidable and righteous fight or challenge. In this case, the war is a foreboding obstacle in his future, but it's not perceived to be a worthwhile cause. The Vietnam war was widely unpopular, and many Americans (including those who served) were unsure about why they were there, just like O'Brien. Still, we place blame on those who avoided fighting. I think it's because so many others died fighting, not so much because we were fighting for an honorable cause or to protect our home or an ally's. Hundreds of thousands of young men risked their lives for an objective that the most of the American public was never fully aware of. However, this is enough to make anyone feel guilty for not participating in the war or at least showing that they cared about the lives of their fellow Americans.

This is the guilt that I would be dealing with as a 21 year old on that boat, wondering whether or not I should leave for Canada. I can imagine questioning myself, wondering "what makes me so special that I deserve to live in peace?" It wouldn't be about doing the right thing at all, because there isn't a right choice in the end. You either leave the country and save yourself, or you fly off somewhere to fight and kill other human beings just because someone's told you to. It's a lose, lose. In a way, it's like saying "yes" when someone asks, "If all your friends jump off a cliff, will you?" Maybe that's true cowardice; not standing up for your own beliefs because you fear the pressure of others. Or maybe that's true honor; standing with your brothers and fighting for one another. All I know is that I fear guilt more than anything else, and I know I wouldn't be able to deal with that feeling if I left the country.